As one of my intentions is to share honestly I feel like it might be time (already!) for a confession – a reality check about where I am and what can still feel hard.
The art of no
Those of you who have received coaching from me will know that this is something I am super focused on… Why if it is something I can still struggle with? Well that’s exactly why… I know how bad it can get and I don’t want anyone (including me) to be there.
You see as a young woman I was sold the dream ‘you can have it all’… so you should have it all?… wait a minute does that mean if I don’t have it all there is something wrong with me??
This belief drove me to take on more and more on top of work, parenting, relationships… run a charity, of course… help at Cubs, why not… keep a fundraising committee going, sign me up. You see I got all my validation from what I could do for others, so I juggled and juggled and told a story that if I stopped managing I would be a failure.
A few years ago I was introduced to the concept of boundaries and the art of a loving no, at the time I was living with a constant to do list with every hour accounted for, my heart raced constantly and I chased the feeling of being in control while in reality losing control completely.
I was asked the question “what are you saying no to when you are saying yes to everything else?”
I took a look around and realised what I was saying no to consistently, every single day was
Connection and time with my husband
Having impromptu fun with my kids
Being present and enjoying my life
What I most valued and what I was doing day in and day out were the polar opposite of each other – things needed to change.
And so I started the journey, with each an every request that was asked of me I asked three questions
What am I saying no to if I say yes to this?
Do I want to do this? (mind-blowing how little I considered this before!)
How will this support the life I want to live today?
So working with my coach – accountability was key here especially in the early days- bit by bit I extracted myself from my over commitments, gently recognising these patterns were based on a desire to be valued and worked on my own sense of internal worth (we will cover this more in a later newsletter).
I created space for me in my life, I introduced ease and with it spontaneity to get the most out of each day.
So why I am talking about it this week? Well back to this weekend, and I have fallen off the wagon a little, I said yes to too much, I took responsibility for things that weren’t mine to fix and that creeping sense of overwhelm is sneaking in.
So I am setting some accountability, I am noticing and letting go of what isn’t mine to do, and I am reprioritising my time to the things that will support the life I want to live.
And I wanted to ask you too, where are you saying yes to things that don’t support the life you want to live?
I invite you this week to consider those three questions. And practice the loving no, that gifts your mind with the message that you and your needs are as important as everyone else.
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